A New Month and Life is Stable

Life is stable and jobs are slowly being finished. The flat at one time a mess and full of disorganisation and chaos is on its way to being a place of peace and tranquillity. The peace is lulling and the fact I can easily find the item I want for work or the favourite pen for writing is a pleasure and a push to move me on to finish the place.

I am still writing essays and still enjoying them, although one I am working on is not so much fun as interesting, but well I hate spss. I have one short story ready to be put on kindle, yet lack of confidence is slowing me to procrastination levels of not getting it done. I have a novel I finished years ago, ready for a final rewrite and then a read by people I trust to be honest to read it and let me know the horrendous errors I have made, – no I am going to be confident and say there are none.

I really do need to find an illustrator who can take my designs for front covers and bring them to life. Job to be done by the end of the month – well now it’s in writing I need to ensure it’s done by then.

Time for food and then to tackle the essay, erm I wonder if I can find something to do instead.

A New Year and a New Life

It’s been a long few months since I last wrote. There have been highs and a deep low, but I have come through, and though covid tried its hardest to beat me, August 21 was a time of bed, coughing, wheezing, and sleeping. Covid and my other health problems are still causing me problems. I still wheeze, cough and struggle with even more fatigue than before and my memory and concentration have worsened, but I am determined to enjoy life in a slow and paced way, with plenty of rest and a whole load of fun and laughter on the side.

I am still studying and finding essays interesting, and I now also find them fun – yes, fun – I wasn’t like this in school, college, or university. I’m not sure what has happened in the 17 years since I last was in education, but I am rolling with it.

I still have a long to be read pile and my kindle to be read pile is catching it up very quickly. Writing is still my life, and I have many more ideas and short stories. I also have three novels which need sorting, editing, beta reading (now that’s a scary thought), and then publishing (an even scarier thought). But it brings me a feeling of peace and joy and life’s breath, so I will keep doing it even if they are never read.

So, I am off to speak to my characters, well, the ones that a clambering to be heard the loudest for me to do their bidding, finish their stories and put them out to the world.

Books vs Work

I love my job, I love my writing, but I genuinely love reading, and the shelf of holding the to be read books is getting full, books call to me, and I respond.

Books are my life, and at the moment also a pain. I have writer’s block – or that is my imaginary friends are not talking to me, so nothing is getting written, so I read instead of just sitting and writing anything that pops into my head, some of it will be good, and some of it will be rubbish. However, it is still writing and keeps the skill level up.

The only writing that I am doing is for an essay, which is interesting and in some ways, fun, but storytelling is my passion. So why am I struggling, I have no idea, but I have been told you can’t be a writer unless you read, so I suppose reading is a legitimate part of my work. I can not write book reviews without reading, so again this is a fair work project.

Who am I kidding I read and will read above everything, I, therefore, need to modify my time and work around my reading sessions. So this month is a new road on my journey and work is and will become a fixed routine in my life rather than the hit and miss affair it is at the moment.
But saying that the inner child is now having a temper tantrum and sulking, I have sent her to her room and will allow her out when she can behave.

Now, where’s that book I am reading.

A Din Full of Jobs

It’s the 15^th January 2021 and my plan of being more structured in my time management and organization has not gone well. I have left over tasks not only from the last two weeks but also last year that are shouting at me demanding my attention, along with the cacophony of nose from the up-and-coming tasks. 

Instead of tackling them I sit in a chair and pick up a book, life’s so much better when your nose is stuck in a book – ok it’s a coping mechanism when life gets tough, I escape.  

I really need to learn how not to procrastinate due to fear and anxiety and to be tough with myself and get the jobs done, life is so much quieter when they’re not screaming at you, and that book is going to write itself, nor are the short stories.   

One day at a time and life feels less chaotic and scary, so I have small job list for tomorrow and good book I hope to curl up to read and review. 

A good point of the year I am happier than I have been for a long time, will be happier still when I get these jobs done. 

Self-Doubt is My Showcase

I live with the feeling that nothing I do is any good. Yet I have the inability to sit still unless the fatigue intervenes to sit still and do nothing.

So I write, I craft, I draw, I study and look at what I do and feel its rubbish and there’s no point in carrying on with it.

Only I have the whispers from people I trust that it’s not rubbish, and to keep on going.

So I keep on going and although every ounce of self-doubt screams at me ‘don’ t do it’, and I keep writing, crafting and studying.

I now showcase my self-doubt writing, craft, and drawings and I will self-doubt through a life coaching course, a writing course and a Business Psychology degree.

I will struggle with anxiety and self-doubt as I go through my life, but I will keep going one step at a time and if I have to spend time standing still and letting the waves of illness and mental health wash over me I will, because I know I am stronger then both of them.

So self-doubt far from being a negative part of my life it is now my showcase.

First Page Nerves

I have been thinking about starting a blog for years and anxiety has always stopped me. This year however I was determined to push anxiety to the back and let myself explore expressing my life to the world.

I have depression as well as anxiety and a physical disability, all of which has knocked my confidence over the years. Now though with a lot of help and support I am coming through the valley of darkness and into the light. I will never be free from the depression or anxiety but I know I can find some light even on a dark day.

Confidence is not something we all have and many of us may never truly be confident even with our closest friends, and I am so grateful for the friends I have who have been there even in the darkest of years when I believed life was not worth living, they stuck by me. They like me for you I am even on my ditsiest of days when I am barely able to remember my own name, let alone the cafés we were supposed to meet at, and after 1/2 hour of frantic phone calls and trying different cafes I finally arrive, hair a mess and brain still in bed, but the warmth of the smile that greeted me was my light on that dark day.

If you know someone who struggles, don’t turn away, offer the hand of friendship and treasure it as they treasure yours.